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Thursday, September 17, 2015

thoughts on motherhood (week 13)

Our boy is three months old this week.  We're done with the "fourth trimester," and Theo has officially transitioned to life outside the womb.  It makes me so proud we've made it this far and simultaneously breaks my heart that he's growing so fast.  Here are my thoughts on motherhood at 13 weeks.

- It's annoying that weeks and months don't match up.  Theo wasn't three months old at 12 weeks, he was three months at 13 weeks and 1 day.  How does that make sense?  

- Sometimes my job as "mom" involves rocking Theo and putting his pacifier back in over and over and over again while we wait for his hiccups to go away.  That boy hates hiccups, but I think he appreciates the company and care while he waits for annoyance to stop.  I think my presence comforts him, just like his does for me.  A good portion of the time, being a mom means simply showing up for your baby.  

- I had the overwhelming thought that no matter how much I try, I won't always be able to protect Theo.  He's inevitably going to get sick, someone will eventually be mean to him (and I'll have to beat that person up), he'll fall down and scrape his knees, he might get stung, or break a bone, or get his heart broken.  And in those times, I'll have to do what I do now when he gets the hiccups - just show up and be there to comfort him while he waits for the pain to go away.  

- Being a mom is already making me a better person.  When I have desires like "I'd love Theo to appreciate nature" or "it would be awesome if Theo grew up knowing how to cook"  or best of all "I hope Theo grows to be compassionate and loving" -- it means I have to make that growth possible for him.  We'll have to spend time in nature, spend time cooking together, and I'll have to model compassion and love.  Children learn what they live and see, so it means I have to step up to the plate for him.  

- This is one of the absolute best times of my life.  I love being a mom, i love my baby, i love my husband, i love my job -- life is just so good.  I've loved parts of every part of my life, but this just feels extra special.  (And there's a good chance I've said that about many parts of my life.)  

People have asked me since having Theo if I feel like a mom. In a lot of ways, I don't totally feel like a mom yet, but my reaction to the pictures of the little Syrian boy showed me that I've made the transition to motherhood.  I couldn't stop crying at that picture of the boy on the shore.  I had never had that reaction before to a humanitarian crisis, even though I feel passionately about social justice issues.  I felt empathy in a new way for the mothers who can't save their children from poverty, war, migration crises. They have hopes and dreams for their children, just like I have hopes and dreams for my Theo.  

And that's all for now.  Thanks for reading and sharing my journey into motherhood.  It's been quite the adventure. 

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