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Friday, August 28, 2015

thoughts on motherhood (week 10)

It's official: I love this mothering gig.  I feel happier than I have in years, maybe happier than I ever have.  I've been blessed with a content, fulfilled feeling - especially when I'm looking at my little boy.  A friend told me recently that motherhood looks good on me, and though my eyes look super tired most of the time, I tend to agree with her.

I'm back to work now (part time), and I'm lucky enough to feel super content and fulfilled there as well.  It helps that I'm at my dream job - leading service and justice retreats for student and adult groups - AND that I have amazing coworkers AND that I can bring Theo to work at the office with me.

Some other thoughts in no particular order:

- Paul, Theo, and I are starting to find our groove as a family.  We spend a lot of time sitting around relaxing but also like taking little adventures together.  (When you have a ten week old you're allowed to count trips to the grocery store and other errands as adventures.)

- I love all the free time I have.  Working part time with a not-yet-crawling baby at home has given me more free time than I've had in years.  

- I feel more inspired than I have in a really long time, probably because of all that free time I have. I've been taking some time to reacquaint myself with things I've been missing and setting some good habits (like tidying up, grocery shopping regularly, and healthier eating) before Theo starts crawling.

- I am so, so thankful we were given an easy baby.  Theo is so relaxed and so willing to go with the flow.  It makes parenting him so, so enjoyable.  

- Maybe relatedly - I love my boy more each day.  It brings me so much joy to wake up every day and get to see him and spend time with him.  

- We've left Theo with a babysitter a few times already, and overall it's been really good.  The only downside is that I feel like something is physically missing from me when I don't have Theo close by.  I've never had that sensation before, and it boggles my mind that I can feel so connected to a person that didn't even exist (outside me) ten weeks ago.  

- I'm already so proud of this boy -- holding his head up, smiling, interacting with the world.  I just love watching him grow and learn and discover things. 

- Though I love watching him grow, I would be fine with him slowing down just a bit.  He's at the 90% for all his growth factors, and he's already wearing six month clothing at 10 weeks.  He rolled over the other night, and I was like slow down son!!  It's crazy how fast he changes and how quickly he starts doing new things.  Though I love that he's healthy and developing so well, I wouldn't mind hitting the pause button every now and again.  

- One downside of working part time is a nagging feeling that I'm not contributing to the household finances like I used to.  I think it says more about what our society values (making money) than what our family values are, but it still has been hard for me to see my worth as being equal to Paul's when a big part of my work doesn't have a price on it.  I know lots of mothers struggle with this - which makes feel a little better and a little worse.  I try to focus on how happy and fulfilled I am to better trust that I'm doing what I need to be doing right now.  

- We have hundreds of pictures of Theo.  Hundreds.  Quickly approaching thousands. 

- I love being that most special person for Theo right now.  It feels amazing to comfort him, nourish him, care for him, and love him.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world getting to be his mama. 

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