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Saturday, July 4, 2015

thoughts on motherhood (week 2)

I'm writing this on Fourth of July while hanging out with my little family.  We're snuggling in lieu of fireworks watching this year.  It's a little crazy considering we were here last year.  Here's some more thoughts on motherhood for this week.  

- Things feel slightly less raw this week.  My body feels a little better, my emotions are a little more stable, and things in general just feel a little easier.  I've heard that you really turn a corner at six weeks, so I'm thinking if things keep going the way they're going, six weeks is going to feel incredible.  

- It's slowly sinking in that Baby T is actually ours.  It's overwhelmingly good and just plain overwhelming.  Good overwhelming in that I know he's ours for as long as we're all lucky enough to be together, and I get to love him and hold him and squeeze him for a very, very long time.  Regular overwhelming in that we are responsible for a human life and caring for him and trying to raise him into a loving, awesome person.  This parenting thing is a big deal.  

- People say that they have tremendous love upon seeing their baby for the first time.  I thought my baby looked like an alien when I saw him for the first time (I partially blame this on the pain meds).  The nurse in the OR room put him up to my face after weighing him and cleaning him, and I didn't quite get what she was doing.  My thoughts at the time: "I can't touch him because you've got my hands all stretched out crazy, I'm all doped up on pain meds, and I just want to get out of this room and hold him for real."  So, no, my love for my baby was not immediate.  My love started later that night when I finally felt more alert.  It might have been delayed, but it's strong and it's grown every day since.

- I survived my first day home alone with Baby T earlier this week.  He was fussy all morning and it was hard not having any back up.  But it was wonderful spending time together, and it felt like we got over a big hurdle together.  

- Parenting is a lot easier having a great partner and a great community of family and friends around us

- Every little thing I do around the house that I did before Baby T was born feels like a major accomplishment.  The first time I took a shower at home, the first time I got out of bed like a normal person (no rolling over or pushing up on my elbows), the first time I made myself lunch, the first time I made it to the community garden, the first time I walked around the block, the first time I took the dogs out.  Each time I felt a little burst of pride.  It feels huge doing all my old normal things while keeping a two week old baby alive.  And don't even get me started on how proud I feel nursing and soothing Baby T.  All my old accomplishments seem irrelevant when you can get a crying baby to sleep at four in the morning.  

- I've still been thinking a lot about the c-section, going over in my head what we could have done differently to prevent it from happening.  I had hoped so strongly for a "regular" delivery, and I hadn't even thought of a c-section as a possibility going into the labor.  A few days ago though I thought -- what if I found out that maybe there was something that could have prevented the c-section?  Is it going to change what happened?  Is it going to make me feel any better about how the birth went?  Absolutely not.  Now instead I'm trying to just sort through all the feelings about what did go down and not worry about things out of my control.  

- Having baby T is teaching me a lot about slowing down.  I realized just how much I had to learn when a friend who also had a c-section gave me the advice to not do anything I don't have to.  Hearing that caused me to have a mini internal freak out.  Because I want to do all the things!!  I want to do all the chores and keep our house clean and paint and respond to all my emails and read books and make photo albums --- and let myself recover from a c-section and raise our baby son.  A person can accomplish all that stuff right?  Um...no.  So it's time to let go of all that stuff that isn't recover from a c-section or raise our baby --- and try to just get some sleep.  

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