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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

thoughts on motherhood (week 1)

Today we're celebrating one week since we welcomed Baby T into the world.  Which means (crazily enough) that I've been a mom for a whole week!  Here are some random reflections on the beginnings of my transition to motherhood.

- I had been warned that the first week of motherhood would be a roller coaster ride, and it truly has been.  Between the physical recovery of the c-section, side effects of pain medications, sleep deprivation, and general exhaustion from labor recovery -- my body has been through the ringer.  Hormones have strengthened all the emotional ups and downs of the week.  The downs have been tough, but the ups - oh man, they have been fantastic.  Holding my baby to my chest, breastfeeding, studying his little body, seeing others love on my baby, realizing over and over again that he is mine -- my heart has never felt so full.

- The night we came home from the hospital, I had a minor break down.  Sleep deprivation from five sleepless nights hit me hard.  All the feelings seemed to roll over me at once.  I cried on Paul's shoulder, and the only thing I remember saying was "sometimes I don't even remember what we named him!"  Paul responded "at least we have lots of nicknames for him."  I chuckled through my tears - a theme for that first night at home  So far that's been the lowest low, but I'm sure it won't be the last time I cry on Paul's shoulder about something related to motherhood.

- I love being on this side of labor.  I love that we have our baby, and he's not going anywhere.  I love getting to know him and watching him grow.  

- I've had a few extremely proud mama moments so far.  The first was hearing someone in the operating room announce my baby's weight: 9 pounds 8 ounces!!  Yeah baby!  Another was when my doula called me a warrior following my labor.  Laboring with Baby T was the hardest thing I've ever done and to have it recognized was a huge boost to my spirit (other people in my birth team recognized it too - she was just the first I remember hearing).  A third came when we went to Baby T's first doctor's appointment, and we found out he had almost regained his birth weight and was up seven ounces in three days!  It's the little things :)  And everytime Baby T latches or we have successful nursing time, I feel like the proudest mama in the world.  

- Speaking of being proud, I think the part of my body I'll be most proud of from now on will be my c-section scar.  It sounds strange, and extremely unglamorous, but this scar will be a reminder that I was able to overcome one of my biggest fears to bring my baby safely into the world.  I surrendered and let go when I needed to, and it showed me I could let go of my ego and put my baby before myself.  It helped show me I have what it takes to be a mom.  

Paul took the picture above sometime in between getting my epidural and beginning to push.  Those were a special few hours hanging out and waiting to meet our baby.  

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