Tuesday, January 27, 2015
thoughts on pregnancy (20 weeks)
Saturday marked the half way point in my pregnancy. 20 weeks down in my first pregnancy, 20 weeks to go.
Those were the most surreal sentences I have ever written on this blog.
This journey has been unique. Unique for me, obviously not unique in human history or anything.
I had dreamed of becoming pregnant for a while. When we first moved into our current apartment I had a moment walking into one of the bedrooms where I felt like I knew that I would hold my baby in that room. It was just a flash, just a feeling. But I somehow knew it would happen.
When we came back from Europe we decided we were both ready.
And then the months went by and ... nothing.
There was disappointment mixed with relief. Disappointment that a dream I (we -- Paul had it too) had would still have to wait. And a bit of worry that maybe it would never happen. But at the same time, a bit of funny relief. That life - my relationships, my body, my roller derby practices - could continue without change.
But deep down I knew that we were ready for the pregnancy whenever it would happen. I had thought of being a parent since I was a little kid and after seeing my mom have difficulties with a pregnancy in her mid 30s, I also hoped I could have my kids by the time I was that age. I had a dream - one that I knew would change my life - and it felt like now was the time for it to happen.
One month we did have a positive test. And then the next day, it was over. One full day of excitement and disbelief and the fulfillment of hopes, and then gone. The doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage, albeit an extremely early one. The following weeks were a difficult time. I ate a lot of ice cream and lots of cookies. Roller derby, patience, and Paul helped me get through the worst of it, and then life went back to normal. But there was still that mix of disappointment and relief every month.
I, like many people, like to have a certain feeling of control over my life. It feels nice to have plans, especially when they turn out how you think they should. But sometimes I'm reminded that things have to work out in their own time.
When I found out I was pregnant in September, I wasn't exactly expecting it. The hope was always there, but I had been disappointed so many times that I really tried to push the thought that pregnancy actually could happen to the back of my mind. But the test was indeed positive. As was the one after that. And the one after that. And that fourth one I took just to be sure.
I turned out to be so early that the first pregnancy test at my doctor wasn't even positive. I had to wait 24 hours for a blood test to come back to confirm that I was in fact pregnant.
We held our breaths for the next few weeks. I was hyper vigilant with my body, paying attention to every tiny feeling and change.
And then the morning sickness set in. For the next couple of months. Every day I joke up, enjoyed about fifteen minutes of feeling ok, and then I tried not to get sick until I went to bed. By then I was pretty sure that this pregnancy was going to stick.
We saw the baby move on the ultrasound at 12 weeks. All of those hopes, all of the disappointments, all of the uncertainty about whether we could do this; I felt a bit of all of that looking at that little baby. On top of complete amazement that that little baby was ours. Our baby! What a miracle.
At 16 weeks I felt the baby move. It felt like a little goldfish swimming around in my stomach. Or riding a roller coaster. Or driving over a hill in a car. None of those are particularly pleasant feelings, but I've appreciated the little reminders that our baby is safe and growing.
Every week I have a mini celebration that I've made it one more step further into the pregnancy. And each week it feels a little more likely that we are going to have this baby. (And that I'm going to have to go through labor to get that baby!)
We're both so nervous and excited about the next few months - and the next few decades after that! I feel like all we really know is that about everything is about to change. And that our biggest adventure is about to begin.
Thank you for reading if you made it all the way through this post! I've been waiting to share all this for months, and it feels good to have out of my brain and onto this electronic paper.