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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

finding my firection

It had been a goal of mine since college to learn to drive a manual car.  My Uncle Johnny had first tried to teach me the basic points of shifting gears when I was kid, and I failed those lessons miserably - and all I had to do was try to shift gears.  When Paul and I bought a manual car last July, I finally had the perfect opportunity to learn.  I would either figure out how to drive our car or I would be stuck taking the bus (or be indefinitely relegated to the passenger seat).  I hated the actual process of learning to drive the stick shift car, and I resisted learning with surprising effort.  I almost even broke down into a few panic attacks, usually as my car was stalling on very steep hills.  But as in all happy personal growth stories, I gradually improved, and now a year later I feel completely comfortable driving our car (though I sometimes still avoid those steep hills).  

It's also been an important goal of mine to figure out my calling, my life's direction.  I have a general desire to "do good" and to contribute to positive social change.  But as I've learned, there are no jobs out there with descriptions that just list "doing good."  I need more specific skills and a more specific job calling.  And, in all honesty, I've been somewhat resistant to finding out what that calling is.  

I'm currently in a job that I enjoy and care about, but I don't feel that it is my ultimate calling.  Without the incentive of being told my job will no longer exist come January 1, 2013, I think I could have stayed here for a long time.  I would have felt semi fulfilled but would have wondered what more I could be doing. 

Right now I feel a little like I'm back on one of those steep hills, not sure where I'm going.  Fortunately I feel less panicky than when driving my manual car for the first time and more confident that I will get where I need to go.  My incentive is that I don't want to be sitting in the passenger seat of my life, willing to accept whatever comes my way without any direction.  While I think flexibility in life is good, I would ultimately like to be in a position that I feel called to, a position that challenges me and allows me to shine.  

If my driving efforts are any sign, within a few months I should have things more figured out - and will probably still be doing my best to avoid really big hills. 

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